Home Secretary Suella Braverman has issued a stark warning to bed bugs attempting to enter the country illegally.

‘France has become overrun by blood-sucking parasites, and to make matters worse, they are now facing a bed bug problem. If we opt to lie down and do nothing, the same shall happen to us,’ she announced at a presser outside Downing Street.

‘There are various legitimate channels for bedbugs to claim asylum in the UK, and being bored of French-style bedding is simply insufficient. Those found to have illegally bunked the Eurostar or those that have stowed themselves away in the crevice of a filthy RyanAir seat, will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.’

‘And by that, I mean exterminated,’ she added, wearing her typically-warped grin.

Following the press conference, The Home Office announced that it would be putting measures in place in order to help contain the crisis, ranging from placing UK arrivals in fumigation hotels for two weeks and sending anyone that looks itchy to a tanning salon to more drastic measures such as carpet-bombing France.

Unsurprisingly, the French government seems to have little interest in tackling the outbreak. When asked about measures to limit the problem to the continent, sparing our sacred isle, French Minister of the Interior, Gérald Darmanin, laughed for twenty minutes.
Braverman said she was ‘disappointed’ by the lack of action but ‘unsurprised,’ claiming it was just another plot by the French and their EU counterparts to disrupt Brexit, stopping short of providing the logic behind her assertion.

Some, however, are more sympathetic to the plight of the creepy crawlies. Bug’s Life, a charity dedicated to protecting bedbugs, has urged the public to understand their hardships: ‘Much too often, these insects are trodden underfoot, forced to live in dark, dank conditions, and at worst, gassed when they become a nuisance,’ said Bug’s Life spokesperson, Dominic Gregerson-Peters.

‘We urge all UK citizens to find some room in their hearts and to let sleeping bugs lie,’ he continued, vigorously scratching his neck as he delivered his plea.

Despite Braverman’s strong rhetoric, it seems she may have acted too late. The pervasive insects have already been spotted in the London underground, with TFL announcing it had issued 345 fixed penalty notices last week for bedbugs unable to produce a valid ticket.