As Dry January continues to wreak havoc across the black market, some industrious entrepreneurs have found an ingenious solution that has Londoners lining up down the street.

The supposed drug-free cocaine alternative that dealers have dubbed Coke Zero, or Nocaine in some circles, has proved an instant hit with nose-thirsty Londoners. Intentions for a sober four weeks likely began with good intentions, but many realised 31 days without putting anything up their nose was too much to handle. Fortunately, a solution was at hand.

‘The key is providing the same experience,’ explained Jake The Snake, one of the first dealers to start selling Coke Zero.

‘Mess them around, take forever to arrive, and then underweigh them. It’s all part of the ritual and helps people feel at home. We also put just enough caffeine in it to make them feel extremely anxious, which is vital.’

While Jake refused to disclose what his hit cocaine substitute contains, he assures us that Coke Zero is legal and falls well within the remit of acceptable Dry January loopholes, like chain-smoking, drinking nine cups of coffee, or casually drinking mouthwash.

‘It’s bloody banging,’ said Nina Ponceworth, one of Jake’s regular customers who switched products to keep in step with her self-imposed sobriety.

‘We get together, smash some 0% beers, and then someone suggests picking up at midnight. We counter the suggestion by listing the things we need to do the next day, and then we order it anyway. Just like old times.’

‘Then, once it’s all gone, we smoke my CBD vape and pretend it does something. I was up till four last night arguing about Israel and how it’s like, well, bad and that!’ she finished.

Health experts have warned against taking this mysterious new drug, but as one user told our undercover reporters, ‘What’s January without snow?’