In a last-ditch effort to retain power, Rishi Sunak has declared a final policy promising a minimum of one monthly scandal if re-elected.

“It’s time to return to basics”, the beleaguered prime minister said in a sweaty statement, having elected to wear a woolly overcoat despite the heat.

“In 14 years, we have changed the scandal landscape forever, plumbing new depths of sleaze, and just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, we pull another dead rabbit out of a hat.”

The decision was made following polling in Tory battlegrounds. When constituents were asked what the Conservatives would be remembered by, scandals led the charge.

A key question remains: What exactly can the public expect? Details are limited, but one assurance was a minimum of one juicy tale of depraved sexual misadventure and one blatant corruption story every six months—the two formats ensuring a healthy balance of mockery and blood-boiling rage.

“I can’t imagine life without Tory scandals now”, mumbled Derek Erikisen, a Conservative party member from Albridge-upon-wye.

“Watching Starmer get on with business sounds dull. The only gossip you’ll hear about him is that he drinks beer with a straw or his favourite colour’s grey.”

Given the Tory party’s tarnished image, some questioned whether the instances would be manufactured. Sunak waved aside such accusations, assuring reporters they could expect completely organic scandals.

“Frankly, we don’t need to make them up”, he added.