Fake News Desk

London to Be Placed into Tier 5, Sharia Law

In an unprecedented move to slow down the spread of the coronavirus, London will become the first area of the country to be placed under Sharia Law.

The move was announced earlier this morning with the new rules and corresponding sanctions set to come into place on Sunday. The uncharacteristically quick turnaround has left many confused, with the only guidance offered so far being a PDF of the Quran hastily uploaded to the government website late last night. Responses to the new measures have so far been mixed, with many describing the new rules as ‘draconian’ and ‘difficult to interpret’.

‘We’ve run out of ideas,’ admitted Boris Johnson during a press conference at Downing Street. ‘The fines and half-hearted awareness campaigns just aren’t working, so we’ve decided to take a bit more of an eastern angle’. After his pitch was met with stony silence, Johnson proceeded to gesture wildly to a graph behind him with incomprehensible red lines and alarmingly steep curves. ‘We had to do something!’ He blustered.

Explaining how the decision was reached, Johnson conceded one of the management firms the government had been heavily relying on during the pandemic was owned by previous-members of Islam 4 UK. ‘They advised us that Sharia generally gets people to behave, so we thought why not give it a go?’ When questioned whether he understood the complexities of Islamic law he indicated he got the gist of it. 

The Prime Minister then introduced the new Covid Imam, Chris Grayling, to field questions about the details. ‘He seems to know what he’s talking about, I believe he got an A in R.S,’ Johnson assured the crowd before hastily exiting.

Grayling then proceeded to outline some of the key regulations which include a blanket ban on alcohol as well as full niqabs to replace face coverings. When he was asked by the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg about where the latter is stated in the Quran, he assured her that ‘It’s in there if you look hard enough,’ before having her removed from the press conference.

The new set of regulations will be reviewed every 1,000 years.

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