Fake News Desk

Priti Patel Approves Introduction of Killer Whales Into the English Channel

The Home Office announced today that it will be releasing hundreds of killer whales into the English Channel in an effort to curb illegal border crossings. Each one will be equipped with specially designed asylum-seeking missiles, the latest weapon in the war against immigration and a joint venture between the scientists at The Ministry for Defence and SeaWorld Florida.

Project FOBH (Fuck Off Back Home) has been announced amidst increased pressure on Priti Patel to find ways to intercept migrant vessels. Speaking from her subterranean lair deep beneath the surface of Whitehall, The Home Secretary outlined the new plans to a select group of terrified journalists.

‘We suggested nets and waves machines and you all laughed,’ Patel began, pacing in front of a red curtain, hands clasped with menace. ‘So It’s been decided that the situation is so severe that our only option is to surround the British Isles with Orcas.’ Questioned as to whether this was a joke, Patel sternly replied that it most certainly wasn’t and that this was a robust policy put forward after many hours of research. 

‘We’ve even bioengineered them,’ she said, and, with eyes gleaming, pulled back a velvet curtain to reveal a Bond villain-esque tank containing several killer whales. ‘These beauties can hear the sound of a dinghy from over 50 miles away and can detect even the smallest drop of hope in 5 million cubic meters of water.’ Patel proceeded to pull an adjacent lever, tipping a small boat full of terrified refugees into the tank who were then promptly torn apart by the 5 tonne killing machines. 

A reporter from The Telegraph objected to the new initiative on the grounds that Orcas have no business being in British waters. ‘Neither do immigrants,’ smirked Patel in typically heartless fashion.

The new plan is expected to come into place on April 1st and cost approximately £500bn.

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