Fake News Desk

Ketamine Dealers in Grand National Turf War

Grand National day is understood to be the biggest day of the year for ketamine dealers, as crippled horses and fuckheads alike consume epic amounts of the banned horse tranquilliser.

The desire to capitalise on this lucrative market has led to a vicious turf war unfolding between street dealers and the major pharmaceutical companies, as both fight tooth and nail to pick up business from members of the horse racing fraternity.

Street dealers have been able to capitalise on high prices set by the pharma giants, lowballing them and stealing away business, to the dismay of their shareholders. The pharmaceutical giants have issued multiple warnings to racing owners, telling them about the dangers of buying from the black market, highlighting street dealers inferior safety records and their lower product quality. They’ve also pointed to one harrowing tale from 2019, when a horse was accidentally given MXE instead, causing it to leave the track completely in search of meaning, despite running on two broken legs.

A number of stable owners have been sent tasters of the dissociative drug, with Cloth Cap trainer Jonjo O’Neill telling reporters: ‘I was sent something in the post. I think. Yes. Rectangular cardboard structure. Object inside. Who can really say? Have you seen my keys?’

Last year’s Virtual Grand National, brought about by Covid-19 restrictions, proved particularly costly with virtual horses exhibiting a 100% survival rate, and a pharma-funded NFT ket substitute failing to take off – with users reporting exorbitant prices and an underwhelming high.

This year could also prove wobbly for distributors of the class B substance with fans still unable to attend the race and pubs still closed until the following Monday. The lack of key locations where racing enthusiasts can gather has opened the doors for new sellers to enter the race, no doubt looking to take advantage of how spaced out everyone is.

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