Her Majesty The Queen is understood to be beside herself following the death of her favourite rapper DMX.
‘His music helps me forget how boring my life is,’ Lizzie said in an official statement issued from her royal residence in Windsor.
‘While you peasants carry on living your lives, I’m stuck here, bored senseless, cutting ribbons and smiling at children’s awful paintings. X’s music made me feel alive, and now he’s gone.’
The Queen is understood to have fallen in love with DMX’s music through a shared love of devil worship and mutual disdain for Ja Rule. She often used his music as a misguided attempt to bond with grandson Archie and her estranged granddaughter-in-law, Meghan Markle, and would often point out that DMX was African American too, just like them.
After hearing the news, her majesty is understood to have recited a solo rendition of her favourite DMX song, ‘Where My Dogs At?’ This prompted servants to bring her Corgis to her at once, which did little to console the bereaved monarch, as she batted them away, screaming to servants: ‘If you carry on, you’re going to make me lose my mind… up in here, up in here.’
Royal officials have reportedly been mulling over whether or not to hold a state funeral for the recently-deceased hip hop titan, with state ceremonies usually reserved for those with an esteemed history of public service, however, the Queen has argued that Dark Man X would be classed as rap royalty and should therefore be treated as such.