Following the news that Bill and Melinda Gates will be separating, speculation has been swirling over which of the two will win custody of the microchipped masses now roaming the planet.
Prior to the split, the richest couple in the world were able to guide recipients of their mind control vaccine with extreme ease from their subterranean lair in Lake Medina, Washington. Using microchips contained within each vaccine, the Gates’ have been able to order people to worship Satan, vote Democrat and buy more Microsoft products, despite them being vastly inferior to Apple’s.
However, accessing the 5g-powered chips used to send the aforementioned orders requires authorisation from both Bill and Melinda, something which could prove to be hugely problematic going forward. Whether or not the couple are able to set aside their marital differences and continue on with their world domination remains to be seen.
The sheer scale of dependents is also a growing concern for Bill, whose ‘mind controlled zombie support’ costs could reach well into the billions.
Doris Snodgrass, 78, who was one of the first recipients of the mind control vaccine is said to be deeply troubled by the news.
‘It was hard enough when they were on the same team,’ she said from her nursing home in Weymouth.
‘One minute they’re telling me to open windows, next minute telling me to close them – people must think I’ve joined the Neighbourhood Watch.’
Unfortunately for Bill, custody of his 5g zombie army is just one of many highly prized assets which will need to be fought tooth and nail for. His underground plague production lab, doomsday device and sub-orbital child prison will all need to be factored into the divorce proceedings.