Following the UK’s annual ritual of Eurovision humiliation, this year’s sacrificial lamb James Newman has decided to join the ranks of The Labour Party.
Newman took the decision after receiving zero points in this year’s song contest, telling reporters: ‘Being unpopular isn’t exactly a recipe for success in the music industry, so I decided to go somewhere where a lack of popularity won’t hold me back. That’s why I’m joining The Labour Party.’
After Newman announced his intentions, Labour’s rudderless leader Keir Starmer was reportedly chomping at the bit to get the singer involved. Speaking outside Westminster, Sir Keir told reporters: ‘We’re incredibly excited about James’s decision to stand as an MP. To be honest, watching him on stage the other night, I saw a bit of myself in James, in that he’s dreary, he’s uninspiring, and in keeping with the party as a whole right now, nobody wants to vote for him.’
Starmer wasn’t the only Labour politician excited about the prospect of having Newman on board, an unnamed Labour backbencher told us: ‘In post-Brexit Britain, having an MP so vastly unpopular in Europe is undoubtedly a positive.’
With the next election still a way off, the newest addition to Labour’s ranks will have plenty of time to hone his brand of politics and lose over any future constituents. While an official proposal has yet to be put forward, Newman’s first ambition in government is to bring the UK out of Eurovision altogether and replace it with an Anglovision song contest, where English-speaking superpowers Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, the United States and the United Kingdom would battle it out for the main prize. A source close to Newman described the move as: ‘Basically the European Super League but with music.’