Donald Trump has decided to seek alternative legal counsel, having been left infuriated by Bruce Castor’s meandering performance at yesterday’s impeachment trial.
Short of options, Trump contacted the first lawyer he could find on Google, who just so happened to be Texas attorney and internet sensation, Rod ‘I’m not a cat’ Ponton.
This won’t be the first time Trump has attempted to grab a pussy, only this time, the pussy will be tasked with getting him out of trouble rather than in it.
At a presser announcing the switchover, the ex-President appeared to be somewhat confused about the species of the man appointed with leading his defence.
‘I think it’s great,’ Trump said, smiling broadly. ‘I didn’t know cats could pass the bar, but when I saw this video, I thought wow, this little guy’s fantastic, he’s the real deal.’
‘They’ve got quick reflexes and always land on their feet, that’s what makes them such good lawyers.’
He later added: ‘Frankly, it’s a shame that cats can’t vote, if they could I might still be President. I’m very popular among the cat community, cats love me.’
Ponton agreed to meet with Trump and his aides late last night. However, confusion soon reigned supreme when Trump noticed his new attorney’s distinctly humanoid appearance. According to sources, the President questioned one aide, asking, ‘are you sure this is our guy?’
The situation continued to deteriorate after Trump’s team attempted to pay the Texas lawyer with several crates of high-end cat food. This resulted in the visibly distressed Ponton’s swift departure, who was heard yelling irately to a Trump aide, ‘I am not a cat.’