Matt Hancock’s Family Dog Awarded £16m Covid Contract

In what’s only the latest case of recent Conservative nepotism, leaked documents have revealed that Matt Hancock’s family dog, Archie, was awarded a £16m contract for services linked to the government’s failed track and trace programme.

The documents dating back to last August show the Health Secretary’s beloved Labrador receiving £6.3m for tracking consultancy, £5.9m for tracing consultancy, and a further £3.8m in fees for fetching data.

Questioned about the allegations earlier today, a sheepish Hancock offered a carefully worded retort: ‘Archie has been heavily vetted, and has plenty of experience in the field of track and trace, dogs are obviously particularly adept at tracking, and that’s equally true whether they’re tracking drugs, explosives or a small vulnerable fox. And of course, it goes without saying, the coronavirus.’

Archie Hancock was later hounded by members of the press outside his doggy day care centre in Cambridge, when asked about the leak, Archie responded: ‘Arf, arf, arf!’