Fake News Desk

Trump to Drain Florida Swamp, Build Golf Course

On the back of Trump’s recent impeachment trial, the former President will be moving back to Florida full-time in an effort to drain the swamp there, having failed to do so in D.C. Despite the lack of political clout associated with removing large swathes of wetland, Trump is understood to be angling for some quick wins to rebuild his reputation ahead of a potential 2024 run.

‘It was a huge swamp. HUGE!’ Trump began, leading a press conference from Doral Golf Resort in Miami. ‘We drained it. We drained it spectacularly. But not all of it, I’d take the plug out and those Democrats would put it right back in. Very nasty people.’

‘So now I’m moving back to Florida. I know you guys have a real bad swamp problem, real bad.’ Trump gestured vaguely to the green around him to scattered applause from the small group of spectators. He responded with an ingratiating wave, signalling for silence amidst the confused stares.

‘So here’s what we’re going to do… drain it and turn it into a golf course.’

Questioned about the difference between the perceived swamp of corruption in Washington and the very real alligator-infested Everglades of Florida, Trump held out his palms in an ex-presidential manner. ‘All I know is that they’re both filled with lizards and I’ve got to drain something. I may be a lot of things but I’m not a quitter’.

Eric Trump is already understood to be getting the draining underway. Locals said they saw him knee deep in a bog, using a plastic bucket to scoop the water out while ranting about the deep state and election fraud.

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