Fake News Desk

Hermes Pledge to Deliver to Wrong Address in Just Half the Time

Criticised for their seeming unwillingness to drop parcels to the correct location, delivery service Hermes has vowed to do better, promising to deliver packages to the wrong address in just half the time.

‘It’s the product of many hours of hard work, logistical planning but mainly lengthy Zoom calls,’ said Simon Jameson, Head of Supply Chain Solutions at Hermes

The courier service has made a bit of a name for itself thanks to its propensity for dumping parcels in peculiar locations, something Jameson takes great pride in and wants to build on with their latest initiative.

‘We’re already incorrectly delivering over 65% of our parcels, with only 35% being lost in our warehouses or stolen. We’re absolutely smashing delivery all we need to do now is improve the speed at which we deliver and we’re sitting pretty.’

Hermes plans to achieve this new feat with a range of business-wide overhauls. The foremost change will be attaching a package cannon to the side of each van that fires parcels at over 100mph. ‘The accuracy of the cannon is undoubtedly still questionable but as we mentioned previously, the focus is on speed.’

‘Sorry we missed you’ cards are now handed out to every Hermes customer.

The radical shift in direction will also have implications for Hermes hiring policy. The courier will hire exclusively inadequate men, as they’re more likely to arrive early without ever delivering the full package.

‘We’ve also readjusted our delivery matrix,’ added Jameson. ‘Considering the Pandemic brought us all closer as a community we thought we could extend what classifies as a ‘neighbour’ to anyone within, say, a 2 or 3 mile radius.’

‘Nothing brings the neighbourhood together like having to drop off a package to a complete stranger and we’re happy to build community spirit.’

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