Following a controversial Coca-Cola seminar which urged employees to ‘be less white’, Pepsi, always hot on the heels of their far superior rival, have developed their own internal training program. Theirs asking staff to be less human.
‘We thought if the boys over at Coke can do some woke training, then we should totally try and 7up them,’ said John Richardson, head of the soon to be renamed human resources department.
‘Mankind… Or should I say peoplekind have been responsible for pretty much all of the problems that humanity faces and things are only getting worse. ‘ John took this moment to stare out of the window, eyes misty with sadness.
‘Imagine what it’s like for a small innocent little puppy dog, not being able to enjoy the refreshing taste of Pepsi. It must be so hard.’
Many employees who attended the seminar were left feeling somewhat baffled, with one section of the talk delivered entirely in whale song followed by an hour-long video illustrating how bipedal movement was a tool of oppression against quadrupedalism.
The whistle-blower who leaked the story said the main issue was a lack of information given on what being less human actually meant. The only examples were described as vague and unhelpful such as ‘channel your inner aardvark’ or ‘ don’t be like me, be a tree’.
Members of conservation groups, many of whom have been transitioning away from human life for some time described the training as ‘necessary for us to face up to our human privilege.’
‘We think Pepsi is practically the devil’s urine but if it gets even a few people to start acting more like our gentle friend the mushroom, we’ll be in a much better place’ said Reginald Reynolds, head of euthanasia at PETA.