According to reports, Boris Johnson is planning to set up a secret charity to help cover the costs of refurbishing his home at No 11 Downing Street, allowing rich Tory benefactors to exchange designer furniture for opportunities to screw over the general public.
The name of his new charity has reportedly already been decided. Having batted around names such as Chancer Care UK and Betraying National Trust, the Prime Minister and his fiancee settled on the name Children in Tweed, a nod to their son Wilfred, Boris’s numerous other illegitimate spawn, and to the Prime Minister himself, who is a massive overgrown child.
Money from the charity will go towards ‘critical’ redecoration work, including the installation of a wind tunnel to help the Prime Minister style his hair, a diamond-encrusted toilet seat so Boris can literally and metaphorically take a dump on all of us, and a life-sized gold-plated replica of Winston Churchill’s cock.
The Prime Minister’s fiancee, Carrie Symonds, is understood to have undertaken the substantial redecoration of No 11 which houses her, Boris and their son Wilfred. Johnson has complained privately to MPs about the spiralling cost of the renovations but has so far been unable to raise his concerns with his partner in crime. He claims that whenever confronted, a wide-eyed Symonds would hiss violently at him, whispering ‘my precious’ as she stroked the various rolls of wallpaper as if each were Larry the cat.
So, rather than discussing the matter with his wife-to-be, in typical Boris fashion, he decided to keep calm and let her carry on, telling her exactly what she wanted to hear while choosing to deal with the consequences later.
Admittedly, at a time when our healthcare system is on the brink and with over a million left unemployed, the Prime Minister has been faced with some unbearably tough decisions. Opting for duck egg blue for the creche and the gloss white panelling for the downstairs bathroom has showcased his ability to make tough choices under duress that his position so often demands.
None the less, the costs associated with the refurb are sure to raise eyebrows throughout Westminster, with the aforementioned wallpaper alone set to cost close to £17,000. However, a spokesperson told press this morning that the price will be well worth it, stating that the wallpaper would be ‘world beating’.
However, don’t let any of this distract you from the fact that Angela Rayner expensed a pair of £250 AirPods.