Fake News Desk

Middle-Class Drug Users Face Waitrose Ban Following Johnson Crackdown

The government has ramped up its efforts to dissuade the middle classes from taking Class A drugs such as cocaine by threatening a range of fresh measures which include lifetime bans from Waitrose and a block on all skiing holidays.

Banning people from the boarding school alumni’s supermarket of choice is just the latest in a long list of proposed deterrents for middle-class drug users. Policymakers feared that the removal of passports and driving licenses, however dystopian, ultimately wouldn’t prove effective. They believed that the threat of not being able to purchase foie gras easily or removing the ability to pay £5.99 for a small pack of olives, would prove to be more persuasive.

Felicity Buchan, The Conservative MP for Kensington and Chelsea, was left dumbfounded by the move, unsure why the Prime Minister would go after her constituents, telling reporters: ‘I find it incredibly unusual that the Prime Minister would decide to go after his own base – by which, I mean rich coked-up wankers from Chelsea.’

Faced with tough questions about the ban as well the significant amount of cocaine residue found inside Parliament this week, the ever-tone-deaf PM ran away to the toilets and hid in a cubicle, in a bid to avoid any further questions.

Since the announcement was made there has been some confusion as to how to identify the middle classes. This has become a more and more difficult task in recent years as swathes of young people from well off backgrounds attempt to pass themself off as working-class out of social embarrassment – a phenomena which can largely be put down to to the likes of Boris Johnson and his kin.

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