Following the removal of his royal titles, the Duke of York is set to undergo an ambitious rebranding effort, in a bid to revitalise his career as a serial socialite and sexual deviant. Now referring to himself as Andrew, the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, he will attempt to ingratiate himself back into high society as a private citizen.
With his ongoing legal battles still looming large over him, Andrew hasn’t been seen in public since early December, when he was spotted walking through the grounds of Windsor Castle in a raspberry beret, the kind you’d find in a second-hand store. However, behind closed doors, the one-time prince has been hard at work crafting his new image – bringing in a top stylist, a personal trainer, and a PR agency, while also taking singing lessons.
A friend told reporters: ‘by rebranding himself as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, Andrew believes he’ll be able to leave all of that paedophile island noncing, sorry, nonsense in the past, and that the public will start to be reminded of the better sides of his character – his surpassing wit, old English charm, and extraordinary wealth.’
However, with legal fees mounting, that extraordinary wealth will be tested in the coming months. In an attempt to balance the books, Andrew will complete a comeback tour under his new guise, performing at several high-profile dinner engagements. Tickets are expected to cost as much as £240 with under 18s going free.
On top of his musical aspirations, Andrew, the Artist Formerly Known as Prince will be pursuing additional commercial opportunities, hoping to cash in on his new image. He is understood to be in advanced talks to become the new face of Lynx deodorant, with CEO Simone Simeone describing him as: ‘the driest, most perspirated man I’ve ever encountered.’