BBC License Fee to be Scrapped in Favour of Blood Sacrifice

The government has announced today that it will be scrapping the much-debated BBC license fee in favour of an annual blood sacrifice.

The move has already been praised by many right-wingers who believe the BBC to be institutionally biased, however, it will do little to dispel rumours that the BBC is part of a satanic, devil-worshipping cult – a view held by many among the more extremist factions of the right.

Comments made earlier today by culture Secretary Nadine Dorries will only serve to add fire to those eternal flames: ‘It wasn’t an easy decision to take,’ she told reporters. ‘By scrapping the license fee, saving the Beeb rested on a choice between state ownership and a pact with the devil. Naturally, the Conservative Party opted for the lesser of two evils and opened negotiations with the Prince of Darkness last week.’

On top of an estimated ten million pints of blood each year, the Devil has also demanded the ritualistic slaughter of five grossly underpaid BBC interns, the immediate removal of Songs of Praise, which is to be replaced by Death Metal Mornings, and a licensing agreement for Mrs Brown’s Boys, allowing him to stream the much-loathed show inside the gates of hell, making things even more hellish and unbearable for its long-suffering residents.

Overall, the decision has been met with a largely positive response from the British public, with many seeing a deal with the devil as a more favourable alternative to paying £2-a-week for Eastenders. According to a YouGov poll, 52% were in favour of the deal, 26% thought it was a bad idea, while 22% said they couldn’t possibly say.

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