Fake News Desk

Boris Announces New Housing Measures, Homes to Be Measured in Yards Instead of Metres

Boris Johnson announced drastic new housing measures today with homes now set to be measured in yards instead of metres, edging Britain further away from the metric system toward the previously forbidden imperial units.

‘The public demanded new housing measures, and once again, the Conservative party has delivered,’ said Johnson. ‘Now the British public can measure their homes in whichever way they please, and won’t be bound by the restrictive metric system as they plot their living room refurbishments.’

Quizzed on how his new measures will help aid Britain’s housing troubles, the PM responded in a typically blustering fashion, telling reporters: ‘Well, of course, it’s much easier to get your house in order when you have the choice of feet, yards, and nautical miles at your disposal.’

‘Maybe you’re a jockey or a horse racing lover? Well, now you can use your beloved furlong as you plan your Ikea order,’ he added to the bewilderment of reporters.

Speaking to ITV News earlier today, the Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, Nadine Dorries, fawned over her boss, telling Robert Peston: ‘the public wanted solutions, and as always, the Prime Minister has provided. The proposals put forward today will show the British public the true measure of the man, something I’ve seen and experienced first hand.’

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