Tag: tory party

Fake News Desk

Boris Announces New Housing Measures, Homes to Be Measured in Yards Instead of Metres

Boris Johnson announced drastic new housing measures today with homes now set to be measured in yards instead of metres, edging Britain further away from the metric system toward the previously forbidden imperial units. ‘The public demanded new housing measures, and once again, the Conservative party has delivered,’ said Johnson. ‘Now the British public can measure their homes in whichever way they please, and won’t … Continue reading Boris Announces New Housing Measures, Homes to Be Measured in Yards Instead of Metres

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BBC License Fee to be Scrapped in Favour of Blood Sacrifice

The government has announced today that it will be scrapping the much-debated BBC license fee in favour of an annual blood sacrifice. The move has already been praised by many right-wingers who believe the BBC to be institutionally biased, however, it will do little to dispel rumours that the BBC is part of a satanic, devil-worshipping cult – a view held by many among the … Continue reading BBC License Fee to be Scrapped in Favour of Blood Sacrifice

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Fake News Desk

Boris Johnson Launches Secret Charity to Fund ‘World-Beating’ Wallpaper

According to reports, Boris Johnson is planning to set up a secret charity to help cover the costs of refurbishing his home at No 11 Downing Street, allowing rich Tory benefactors to exchange designer furniture for opportunities to screw over the general public. The name of his new charity has reportedly already been decided. Having batted around names such as Chancer Care UK and Betraying … Continue reading Boris Johnson Launches Secret Charity to Fund ‘World-Beating’ Wallpaper

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Fake News Desk

Priti Patel Approves Introduction of Killer Whales Into the English Channel

The Home Office announced today that it will be releasing hundreds of killer whales into the English Channel in an effort to curb illegal border crossings. Each one will be equipped with specially designed asylum-seeking missiles, the latest weapon in the war against immigration and a joint venture between the scientists at The Ministry for Defence and SeaWorld Florida. Project FOBH (Fuck Off Back Home) … Continue reading Priti Patel Approves Introduction of Killer Whales Into the English Channel

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