Confusion broke out online last night as Russian social media personality Hasbulla was blamed for a series of guided missile strikes on Israel’s northern border, resulting in the 3ft4 UFC signee receiving death threats from pro-Israeli activists. Continue reading Hasbulla Blamed for Hezbollah Missile Strikes
Yesterday evening, as intense fighting raged on across Israel and Gaza, Bognor Regis-based pet store, PetZone, published a statement announcing their unreserved support for Israeli forces. At 6 pm GMT, hours after posting an Israeli flag to their Instagram stories, PetZone published a strongly-worded statement to their Facebook page while also sending it out to their loyal 42-person-strong mailing list. In a move that’s sure … Continue reading Local Pet Shop Comes Out in Support of Israel
Boris Johnson announced drastic new housing measures today with homes now set to be measured in yards instead of metres, edging Britain further away from the metric system toward the previously forbidden imperial units. ‘The public demanded new housing measures, and once again, the Conservative party has delivered,’ said Johnson. ‘Now the British public can measure their homes in whichever way they please, and won’t … Continue reading Boris Announces New Housing Measures, Homes to Be Measured in Yards Instead of Metres
In wake of Sue Gray’s report, Boris Johnson is fighting for his political life. However, Friday brought about some much-needed good news for Britain’s embattled Prime Minister. According to a recent YouGov poll, an overwhelming majority of online bots say that they still back Boris. Asked why they’re still supporting the PM, 87% of bots questioned offered the same two verbatim responses, telling YouGov: ‘he’s … Continue reading 96% of Bots Still Support Boris Johnson, YouGov Poll Finds
The government has announced today that it will be scrapping the much-debated BBC license fee in favour of an annual blood sacrifice. The move has already been praised by many right-wingers who believe the BBC to be institutionally biased, however, it will do little to dispel rumours that the BBC is part of a satanic, devil-worshipping cult – a view held by many among the … Continue reading BBC License Fee to be Scrapped in Favour of Blood Sacrifice
Senior civil servant Sue Gray has signed a deal with Vice to host a new documentary series investigating illegal parties across the globe. The Second Permanent Secretary has gained notoriety in recent weeks, having been tasked with investigating the 562 different parties which took place at 10 Downing Street during lockdown, and is now looking to cash in on her newfound fame. The show, Sue Gray’s … Continue reading Sue Gray to Investigate Illegal Parties in Six-Part Documentary Series for Vice
Festive food shortages threatening to spoil Christmas? Petrol problems got you in a panic? Don’t worry, Britain, we’ve got you. While the HGV drivers won’t be showing up anytime soon, you can now buy all of the items you’re missing this Christmas as NFTs. Introducing the NFT (Nation-Fucking Tories) NFT collection. Your plate may be empty this Christmas but thanks to the Conservative Party, your … Continue reading Tories Sell Food Items as NFTS in Bid to Tackle Supply Line Shortages
Prime Minister Boris Johnson is set to continue in his secondary role as a full-time wanker after MPs voted on a ‘watered down’ plan to curb extra work. After instructing his fellow wankers to vote against the original motion tabled by the Labour Party, Johnson then put forward an amended version which passed by 297 votes to zero – one which would allow him to … Continue reading Boris Johnson to Continue Role as Full-Time Wanker Despite Second Jobs Vote
Following the announcement of a ceasefire between Israeli forces and Hamas which came into effect during the early hours of Friday morning, a group of Palestinian locals decided to mark an end to hostilities with a celebratory fireworks display. However, their entertainment proved to be short-lived. With their sparklers barely lit, Israel’s Iron Dome defence system caught wind of the display and swiftly intercepted their … Continue reading Israel’s Iron Dome Spoils Palestinian Fireworks Display
Grand National day is understood to be the biggest day of the year for ketamine dealers, as crippled horses and fuckheads alike consume epic amounts of the banned horse tranquilliser. The desire to capitalise on this lucrative market has led to a vicious turf war unfolding between street dealers and the major pharmaceutical companies, as both fight tooth and nail to pick up business from … Continue reading Ketamine Dealers in Grand National Turf War
Opening Gambit 