Home Secretary Suella Braverman has issued a stark warning to bedbugs attempting to enter the country illegally. Continue reading Suella Braverman Vows to Stop Undocumented Bed Bugs Arriving in the UK
Yesterday evening, as intense fighting raged on across Israel and Gaza, Bognor Regis-based pet store, PetZone, published a statement announcing their unreserved support for Israeli forces. At 6 pm GMT, hours after posting an Israeli flag to their Instagram stories, PetZone published a strongly-worded statement to their Facebook page while also sending it out to their loyal 42-person-strong mailing list. In a move that’s sure … Continue reading Local Pet Shop Comes Out in Support of Israel
A stunning leak from Number 10 has shed new light on the Rwanda flight debacle which unfolded earlier this week and has revealed the real reason that the Rwanda flights failed to take off. According to sources, Government plans to send refugees to Rwanda earlier were scuppered at the last minute after the contracted airline was revealed not to have any planes in its fleet. … Continue reading EXCLUSIVE: The REAL Reason Why the Rwanda Flights Were Cancelled
Boris Johnson announced drastic new housing measures today with homes now set to be measured in yards instead of metres, edging Britain further away from the metric system toward the previously forbidden imperial units. ‘The public demanded new housing measures, and once again, the Conservative party has delivered,’ said Johnson. ‘Now the British public can measure their homes in whichever way they please, and won’t … Continue reading Boris Announces New Housing Measures, Homes to Be Measured in Yards Instead of Metres
Following the removal of his royal titles, the Duke of York is set to undergo an ambitious rebranding effort, in a bid to revitalise his career as a serial socialite and sexual deviant. Now referring to himself as Andrew, the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, he will attempt to ingratiate himself back into high society as a private citizen. With his ongoing legal battles still … Continue reading Duke of York to Rebrand as Andrew, the Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Senior civil servant Sue Gray has signed a deal with Vice to host a new documentary series investigating illegal parties across the globe. The Second Permanent Secretary has gained notoriety in recent weeks, having been tasked with investigating the 562 different parties which took place at 10 Downing Street during lockdown, and is now looking to cash in on her newfound fame. The show, Sue Gray’s … Continue reading Sue Gray to Investigate Illegal Parties in Six-Part Documentary Series for Vice
Festive food shortages threatening to spoil Christmas? Petrol problems got you in a panic? Don’t worry, Britain, we’ve got you. While the HGV drivers won’t be showing up anytime soon, you can now buy all of the items you’re missing this Christmas as NFTs. Introducing the NFT (Nation-Fucking Tories) NFT collection. Your plate may be empty this Christmas but thanks to the Conservative Party, your … Continue reading Tories Sell Food Items as NFTS in Bid to Tackle Supply Line Shortages
The government has ramped up its efforts to dissuade the middle classes from taking Class A drugs such as cocaine by threatening a range of fresh measures which include lifetime bans from Waitrose and a block on all skiing holidays. Banning people from the boarding school alumni’s supermarket of choice is just the latest in a long list of proposed deterrents for middle-class drug users. … Continue reading Middle-Class Drug Users Face Waitrose Ban Following Johnson Crackdown
Prime Minister Boris Johnson is set to continue in his secondary role as a full-time wanker after MPs voted on a ‘watered down’ plan to curb extra work. After instructing his fellow wankers to vote against the original motion tabled by the Labour Party, Johnson then put forward an amended version which passed by 297 votes to zero – one which would allow him to … Continue reading Boris Johnson to Continue Role as Full-Time Wanker Despite Second Jobs Vote
In an attempt to purge their monochromatic image, Wimbledon Tennis will be introducing a controversial new event, the mixed-race doubles. Details of the shakeup to the world’s foremost tennis championship were revealed at a press conference late last night. ‘For too long, tennis has catered to the white and affluent,’ announced spokesperson, Kenneth Wilberforce-Porter. ‘So we have thought of a way to make it more … Continue reading Wimbledon Set to Debut Mixed-Race Doubles
Opening Gambit 