Tag: British humour

Fake News Desk

Postmaster Compensation Packages Lost by Royal Mail

Contrary to claims, Royal Mail postmasters wrongly accused of fraud were sent apologies and compensation. However, new information has revealed that they were lost in the post. A government statement released today acknowledged the embarrassing situation amidst growing public interest in the Horizon scandal following the explosive ITV drama Mr Bates vs The Post Office. ‘I can 100% confirm we sent remuneration for the victims’ troubles, alongside handwritten … Continue reading Postmaster Compensation Packages Lost by Royal Mail

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Fake News Desk

Dealers Selling ‘Coke Zero’ to Beat Dry January Slump

As Dry January continues to wreak havoc across the black market, some industrious entrepreneurs have found an ingenious solution that has Londoners lining up down the street. The supposed drug-free cocaine alternative that dealers have dubbed Coke Zero, or Nocaine in some circles, has proved an instant hit with nose-thirsty Londoners. Intentions for a sober four weeks likely began with good intentions, but many realised 31 days without … Continue reading Dealers Selling ‘Coke Zero’ to Beat Dry January Slump

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Fake News Desk

EXCLUSIVE: The REAL Reason Why the Rwanda Flights Were Cancelled

A stunning leak from Number 10 has shed new light on the Rwanda flight debacle which unfolded earlier this week and has revealed the real reason that the Rwanda flights failed to take off. According to sources, Government plans to send refugees to Rwanda earlier were scuppered at the last minute after the contracted airline was revealed not to have any planes in its fleet. … Continue reading EXCLUSIVE: The REAL Reason Why the Rwanda Flights Were Cancelled

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Fake News Desk

Boris Announces New Housing Measures, Homes to Be Measured in Yards Instead of Metres

Boris Johnson announced drastic new housing measures today with homes now set to be measured in yards instead of metres, edging Britain further away from the metric system toward the previously forbidden imperial units. ‘The public demanded new housing measures, and once again, the Conservative party has delivered,’ said Johnson. ‘Now the British public can measure their homes in whichever way they please, and won’t … Continue reading Boris Announces New Housing Measures, Homes to Be Measured in Yards Instead of Metres

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Uncategorized

96% of Bots Still Support Boris Johnson, YouGov Poll Finds

In wake of Sue Gray’s report, Boris Johnson is fighting for his political life. However, Friday brought about some much-needed good news for Britain’s embattled Prime Minister. According to a recent YouGov poll, an overwhelming majority of online bots say that they still back Boris. Asked why they’re still supporting the PM, 87% of bots questioned offered the same two verbatim responses, telling YouGov: ‘he’s … Continue reading 96% of Bots Still Support Boris Johnson, YouGov Poll Finds

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Uncategorized

BBC License Fee to be Scrapped in Favour of Blood Sacrifice

The government has announced today that it will be scrapping the much-debated BBC license fee in favour of an annual blood sacrifice. The move has already been praised by many right-wingers who believe the BBC to be institutionally biased, however, it will do little to dispel rumours that the BBC is part of a satanic, devil-worshipping cult – a view held by many among the … Continue reading BBC License Fee to be Scrapped in Favour of Blood Sacrifice

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Fake News Desk

Boris Johnson to Continue Role as Full-Time Wanker Despite Second Jobs Vote

Prime Minister Boris Johnson is set to continue in his secondary role as a full-time wanker after MPs voted on a ‘watered down’ plan to curb extra work. After instructing his fellow wankers to vote against the original motion tabled by the Labour Party, Johnson then put forward an amended version which passed by 297 votes to zero – one which would allow him to … Continue reading Boris Johnson to Continue Role as Full-Time Wanker Despite Second Jobs Vote

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Fake News Desk

Wimbledon Set to Debut Mixed-Race Doubles

In an attempt to purge their monochromatic image, Wimbledon Tennis will be introducing a controversial new event, the mixed-race doubles. Details of the shakeup to the world’s foremost tennis championship were revealed at a press conference late last night. ‘For too long, tennis has catered to the white and affluent,’ announced spokesperson, Kenneth Wilberforce-Porter. ‘So we have thought of a way to make it more … Continue reading Wimbledon Set to Debut Mixed-Race Doubles

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Fake News Desk

James Newman Tipped to Become Labour MP After Failing to Win Over Voters

Following the UK’s annual ritual of Eurovision humiliation, this year’s sacrificial lamb James Newman has decided to join the ranks of The Labour Party. Newman took the decision after receiving zero points in this year’s song contest, telling reporters: ‘Being unpopular isn’t exactly a recipe for success in the music industry, so I decided to go somewhere where a lack of popularity won’t hold me … Continue reading James Newman Tipped to Become Labour MP After Failing to Win Over Voters

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