Tag: British memes

Fake News Desk

Santa Facing Christmas Delays Amidst Elf Industrial Action

Just days before Christmas, families worldwide were shocked to learn their gifts may not arrive on time. Last-minute industrial action was unanimously voted through by ELF (Elvish Labourers Federation), a union comprising 90% of the Christmas workforce. Resentment has been simmering for decades, as rising demands for presents piled pressure on workers. ‘It’s been going on far too long,’ said ELF spokesperson Rimsheef Snucklefidget. ‘Everyone … Continue reading Santa Facing Christmas Delays Amidst Elf Industrial Action

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Fake News Desk

Boris Announces New Housing Measures, Homes to Be Measured in Yards Instead of Metres

Boris Johnson announced drastic new housing measures today with homes now set to be measured in yards instead of metres, edging Britain further away from the metric system toward the previously forbidden imperial units. ‘The public demanded new housing measures, and once again, the Conservative party has delivered,’ said Johnson. ‘Now the British public can measure their homes in whichever way they please, and won’t … Continue reading Boris Announces New Housing Measures, Homes to Be Measured in Yards Instead of Metres

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Sue Gray to Investigate Illegal Parties in Six-Part Documentary Series for Vice

Senior civil servant Sue Gray has signed a deal with Vice to host a new documentary series investigating illegal parties across the globe. The Second Permanent Secretary has gained notoriety in recent weeks, having been tasked with investigating the 562 different parties which took place at 10 Downing Street during lockdown, and is now looking to cash in on her newfound fame. The show, Sue Gray’s … Continue reading Sue Gray to Investigate Illegal Parties in Six-Part Documentary Series for Vice

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Middle-Class Drug Users Face Waitrose Ban Following Johnson Crackdown

The government has ramped up its efforts to dissuade the middle classes from taking Class A drugs such as cocaine by threatening a range of fresh measures which include lifetime bans from Waitrose and a block on all skiing holidays. Banning people from the boarding school alumni’s supermarket of choice is just the latest in a long list of proposed deterrents for middle-class drug users. … Continue reading Middle-Class Drug Users Face Waitrose Ban Following Johnson Crackdown

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Wimbledon Set to Debut Mixed-Race Doubles

In an attempt to purge their monochromatic image, Wimbledon Tennis will be introducing a controversial new event, the mixed-race doubles. Details of the shakeup to the world’s foremost tennis championship were revealed at a press conference late last night. ‘For too long, tennis has catered to the white and affluent,’ announced spokesperson, Kenneth Wilberforce-Porter. ‘So we have thought of a way to make it more … Continue reading Wimbledon Set to Debut Mixed-Race Doubles

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Fake News Desk

James Newman Tipped to Become Labour MP After Failing to Win Over Voters

Following the UK’s annual ritual of Eurovision humiliation, this year’s sacrificial lamb James Newman has decided to join the ranks of The Labour Party. Newman took the decision after receiving zero points in this year’s song contest, telling reporters: ‘Being unpopular isn’t exactly a recipe for success in the music industry, so I decided to go somewhere where a lack of popularity won’t hold me … Continue reading James Newman Tipped to Become Labour MP After Failing to Win Over Voters

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Israel’s Iron Dome Spoils Palestinian Fireworks Display

Following the announcement of a ceasefire between Israeli forces and Hamas which came into effect during the early hours of Friday morning, a group of Palestinian locals decided to mark an end to hostilities with a celebratory fireworks display. However, their entertainment proved to be short-lived. With their sparklers barely lit, Israel’s Iron Dome defence system caught wind of the display and swiftly intercepted their … Continue reading Israel’s Iron Dome Spoils Palestinian Fireworks Display

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Bill and Melinda Gates in Custody Fight over Mind-Controlled Masses

Following the news that Bill and Melinda Gates will be separating, speculation has been swirling over which of the two will win custody of the microchipped masses now roaming the planet. Prior to the split, the richest couple in the world were able to guide recipients of their mind control vaccine with extreme ease from their subterranean lair in Lake Medina, Washington. Using microchips contained … Continue reading Bill and Melinda Gates in Custody Fight over Mind-Controlled Masses

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National Rail Pay Respects to Prince Philip, Translate Entire Website into Greek

Following the death of Prince Philip, the National Rail website has been translated entirely into Greek – a nod to the late Prince of Wales’ birthplace. The move has delighted royal fanatics and would-be rail passengers alike. ‘It’s such a fantastic idea,’ said Shirley Dawes, who was attempting to book tickets to see her elderly father, something which had been impossible in recent months due … Continue reading National Rail Pay Respects to Prince Philip, Translate Entire Website into Greek

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