Tag: conservatives

Uncategorized

BBC License Fee to be Scrapped in Favour of Blood Sacrifice

The government has announced today that it will be scrapping the much-debated BBC license fee in favour of an annual blood sacrifice. The move has already been praised by many right-wingers who believe the BBC to be institutionally biased, however, it will do little to dispel rumours that the BBC is part of a satanic, devil-worshipping cult – a view held by many among the … Continue reading BBC License Fee to be Scrapped in Favour of Blood Sacrifice

Unknown's avatarLee innitLeave a comment
Fake News Desk

Sue Gray to Investigate Illegal Parties in Six-Part Documentary Series for Vice

Senior civil servant Sue Gray has signed a deal with Vice to host a new documentary series investigating illegal parties across the globe. The Second Permanent Secretary has gained notoriety in recent weeks, having been tasked with investigating the 562 different parties which took place at 10 Downing Street during lockdown, and is now looking to cash in on her newfound fame. The show, Sue Gray’s … Continue reading Sue Gray to Investigate Illegal Parties in Six-Part Documentary Series for Vice

Unknown's avatarLee innitLeave a comment
Fake News Desk, Video

Tories Sell Food Items as NFTS in Bid to Tackle Supply Line Shortages

Festive food shortages threatening to spoil Christmas? Petrol problems got you in a panic? Don’t worry, Britain, we’ve got you. While the HGV drivers won’t be showing up anytime soon, you can now buy all of the items you’re missing this Christmas as NFTs. Introducing the NFT (Nation-Fucking Tories) NFT collection. Your plate may be empty this Christmas but thanks to the Conservative Party, your … Continue reading Tories Sell Food Items as NFTS in Bid to Tackle Supply Line Shortages

Unknown's avatarLee innitLeave a comment
Fake News Desk

Middle-Class Drug Users Face Waitrose Ban Following Johnson Crackdown

The government has ramped up its efforts to dissuade the middle classes from taking Class A drugs such as cocaine by threatening a range of fresh measures which include lifetime bans from Waitrose and a block on all skiing holidays. Banning people from the boarding school alumni’s supermarket of choice is just the latest in a long list of proposed deterrents for middle-class drug users. … Continue reading Middle-Class Drug Users Face Waitrose Ban Following Johnson Crackdown

Unknown's avatarQuinnLeave a comment
Fake News Desk

Boris Johnson Launches Secret Charity to Fund ‘World-Beating’ Wallpaper

According to reports, Boris Johnson is planning to set up a secret charity to help cover the costs of refurbishing his home at No 11 Downing Street, allowing rich Tory benefactors to exchange designer furniture for opportunities to screw over the general public. The name of his new charity has reportedly already been decided. Having batted around names such as Chancer Care UK and Betraying … Continue reading Boris Johnson Launches Secret Charity to Fund ‘World-Beating’ Wallpaper

Unknown's avatarLee innitLeave a comment
Fake News Desk

Priti Patel Approves Introduction of Killer Whales Into the English Channel

The Home Office announced today that it will be releasing hundreds of killer whales into the English Channel in an effort to curb illegal border crossings. Each one will be equipped with specially designed asylum-seeking missiles, the latest weapon in the war against immigration and a joint venture between the scientists at The Ministry for Defence and SeaWorld Florida. Project FOBH (Fuck Off Back Home) … Continue reading Priti Patel Approves Introduction of Killer Whales Into the English Channel

Unknown's avatarQuinn1 Comment
Fake News Desk

Matt Hancock’s Family Dog Awarded £16m Covid Contract

In what’s only the latest case of recent Conservative nepotism, leaked documents have revealed that Matt Hancock’s family dog, Archie, was awarded a £16m contract for services linked to the government’s failed track and trace programme. The documents dating back to last August show the Health Secretary’s beloved Labrador receiving £6.3m for tracking consultancy, £5.9m for tracing consultancy, and a further £3.8m in fees for … Continue reading Matt Hancock’s Family Dog Awarded £16m Covid Contract

Unknown's avatarLee innit4 Comments