Category: Fake News Desk

Fake News Desk

Priti Patel Approves Introduction of Killer Whales Into the English Channel

The Home Office announced today that it will be releasing hundreds of killer whales into the English Channel in an effort to curb illegal border crossings. Each one will be equipped with specially designed asylum-seeking missiles, the latest weapon in the war against immigration and a joint venture between the scientists at The Ministry for Defence and SeaWorld Florida. Project FOBH (Fuck Off Back Home) … Continue reading Priti Patel Approves Introduction of Killer Whales Into the English Channel

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Fake News Desk

Price of M&S Chocolate Coins Skyrockets After Elon Musk Tweet

The price of Marks & Spencer’s milk chocolate coins has skyrocketed following a tweet from Elon Musk, in which the Tesla and SpaceX CEO labelled them as ‘legit’. What followed was a tidal wave of online activity, with 1000s of Twitter users replying to Musk’s tweet with the phrase: ‘M&S to the moon 🚀’ Hot on the heels of all-time highs for Bitcoin and Ethereum, … Continue reading Price of M&S Chocolate Coins Skyrockets After Elon Musk Tweet

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Fake News Desk

London to Be Placed into Tier 5, Sharia Law

In an unprecedented move to slow down the spread of the coronavirus, London will become the first area of the country to be placed under Sharia Law. The move was announced earlier this morning with the new rules and corresponding sanctions set to come into place on Sunday. The uncharacteristically quick turnaround has left many confused, with the only guidance offered so far being a … Continue reading London to Be Placed into Tier 5, Sharia Law

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Fake News Desk

Baby Yoda Racially Abused by Gina Carano During Mandalorian Filming

Shocking new details have arisen regarding Gina Carano’s departure from Lucasfilm, with sources claiming she racially abused Grogu, better known as Baby Yoda, on the set of Disney+ show The Mandalorian. The incident reportedly took place on the final day of filming for season 2, and while the details are foggy, it’s believed that Grogu was caught stealing a protein shake from Carano’s locker, causing … Continue reading Baby Yoda Racially Abused by Gina Carano During Mandalorian Filming

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Fake News Desk

Matt Hancock’s Family Dog Awarded £16m Covid Contract

In what’s only the latest case of recent Conservative nepotism, leaked documents have revealed that Matt Hancock’s family dog, Archie, was awarded a £16m contract for services linked to the government’s failed track and trace programme. The documents dating back to last August show the Health Secretary’s beloved Labrador receiving £6.3m for tracking consultancy, £5.9m for tracing consultancy, and a further £3.8m in fees for … Continue reading Matt Hancock’s Family Dog Awarded £16m Covid Contract

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Fake News Desk

Trump Impeachment Attorney Replaced by ‘I’m Not a Cat’ Lawyer

Donald Trump has decided to seek alternative legal counsel, having been left infuriated by Bruce Castor’s meandering performance at yesterday’s impeachment trial. Short of options, Trump contacted the first lawyer he could find on Google, who just so happened to be Texas attorney and internet sensation, Rod ‘I’m not a cat’ Ponton. This won’t be the first time Trump has attempted to grab a pussy, … Continue reading Trump Impeachment Attorney Replaced by ‘I’m Not a Cat’ Lawyer

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Fake News Desk

EXCLUSIVE: Armie Hammer Tried to Eat Me Out on SHOCKING First Date

An ex-lover of recently disgraced Hollywood actor Armie Hammer has released EXPLOSIVE details of a first date from hell. ‘Everything was fine at first,’ Estette Gardner told us, her loose sleeveless top revealing a STUNNING set of bite marks on her upper arm. ‘He said he would take me for dinner and we ended up at this really nice steak house.’ Signs of the Social … Continue reading EXCLUSIVE: Armie Hammer Tried to Eat Me Out on SHOCKING First Date

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Fake News Desk

Tyson Fury and Anthony Joshua to Administer Covid-19 Jab

In a bid to speed up the UK’s vaccine rollout, the government have recruited heavyweight champions Anthony Joshua and Tyson Fury to help administer the Covid-19 jab. Explaining the decision, Matt Hancock told reporters: ‘If we’re going to achieve our aim of having everyone vaccinated by August, then we’re going to have to increase the speed of the jab, and who better to help us … Continue reading Tyson Fury and Anthony Joshua to Administer Covid-19 Jab

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Fake News Desk

New Covid Variant Spreads Through Zoom Calls

Researchers at Oxford University have made an alarming discovery that a strain of the novel coronavirus has been shown to transmit over video calls. Alarm bells started ringing earlier this week when several cases of the new variant, Covid-19.2 Snow Leopard, were traced back to a tech firm’s Monday morning catch up, a meeting which unknowingly became a superspreader event. Concerns were raised the following … Continue reading New Covid Variant Spreads Through Zoom Calls

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