Tag: featured

Fake News Desk

Local Pet Shop Comes Out in Support of Israel

Yesterday evening, as intense fighting raged on across Israel and Gaza, Bognor Regis-based pet store, PetZone, published a statement announcing their unreserved support for Israeli forces. At 6 pm GMT, hours after posting an Israeli flag to their Instagram stories, PetZone published a strongly-worded statement to their Facebook page while also sending it out to their loyal 42-person-strong mailing list. In a move that’s sure … Continue reading Local Pet Shop Comes Out in Support of Israel

Unknown's avatarLee innitLeave a comment
Fake News Desk

Boris Announces New Housing Measures, Homes to Be Measured in Yards Instead of Metres

Boris Johnson announced drastic new housing measures today with homes now set to be measured in yards instead of metres, edging Britain further away from the metric system toward the previously forbidden imperial units. ‘The public demanded new housing measures, and once again, the Conservative party has delivered,’ said Johnson. ‘Now the British public can measure their homes in whichever way they please, and won’t … Continue reading Boris Announces New Housing Measures, Homes to Be Measured in Yards Instead of Metres

Unknown's avatarLee innitLeave a comment
Uncategorized

96% of Bots Still Support Boris Johnson, YouGov Poll Finds

In wake of Sue Gray’s report, Boris Johnson is fighting for his political life. However, Friday brought about some much-needed good news for Britain’s embattled Prime Minister. According to a recent YouGov poll, an overwhelming majority of online bots say that they still back Boris. Asked why they’re still supporting the PM, 87% of bots questioned offered the same two verbatim responses, telling YouGov: ‘he’s … Continue reading 96% of Bots Still Support Boris Johnson, YouGov Poll Finds

Unknown's avatarLee innitLeave a comment
Uncategorized

BBC License Fee to be Scrapped in Favour of Blood Sacrifice

The government has announced today that it will be scrapping the much-debated BBC license fee in favour of an annual blood sacrifice. The move has already been praised by many right-wingers who believe the BBC to be institutionally biased, however, it will do little to dispel rumours that the BBC is part of a satanic, devil-worshipping cult – a view held by many among the … Continue reading BBC License Fee to be Scrapped in Favour of Blood Sacrifice

Unknown's avatarLee innitLeave a comment
Fake News Desk

Duke of York to Rebrand as Andrew, the Artist Formerly Known as Prince

Following the removal of his royal titles, the Duke of York is set to undergo an ambitious rebranding effort, in a bid to revitalise his career as a serial socialite and sexual deviant. Now referring to himself as Andrew, the Artist Formerly Known as Prince, he will attempt to ingratiate himself back into high society as a private citizen. With his ongoing legal battles still … Continue reading Duke of York to Rebrand as Andrew, the Artist Formerly Known as Prince

Unknown's avatarQuinnLeave a comment
Fake News Desk

Sue Gray to Investigate Illegal Parties in Six-Part Documentary Series for Vice

Senior civil servant Sue Gray has signed a deal with Vice to host a new documentary series investigating illegal parties across the globe. The Second Permanent Secretary has gained notoriety in recent weeks, having been tasked with investigating the 562 different parties which took place at 10 Downing Street during lockdown, and is now looking to cash in on her newfound fame. The show, Sue Gray’s … Continue reading Sue Gray to Investigate Illegal Parties in Six-Part Documentary Series for Vice

Unknown's avatarLee innitLeave a comment
Fake News Desk

Middle-Class Drug Users Face Waitrose Ban Following Johnson Crackdown

The government has ramped up its efforts to dissuade the middle classes from taking Class A drugs such as cocaine by threatening a range of fresh measures which include lifetime bans from Waitrose and a block on all skiing holidays. Banning people from the boarding school alumni’s supermarket of choice is just the latest in a long list of proposed deterrents for middle-class drug users. … Continue reading Middle-Class Drug Users Face Waitrose Ban Following Johnson Crackdown

Unknown's avatarQuinnLeave a comment
Fake News Desk

Boris Johnson to Continue Role as Full-Time Wanker Despite Second Jobs Vote

Prime Minister Boris Johnson is set to continue in his secondary role as a full-time wanker after MPs voted on a ‘watered down’ plan to curb extra work. After instructing his fellow wankers to vote against the original motion tabled by the Labour Party, Johnson then put forward an amended version which passed by 297 votes to zero – one which would allow him to … Continue reading Boris Johnson to Continue Role as Full-Time Wanker Despite Second Jobs Vote

Unknown's avatarLee innitLeave a comment
Fake News Desk

Wimbledon Set to Debut Mixed-Race Doubles

In an attempt to purge their monochromatic image, Wimbledon Tennis will be introducing a controversial new event, the mixed-race doubles. Details of the shakeup to the world’s foremost tennis championship were revealed at a press conference late last night. ‘For too long, tennis has catered to the white and affluent,’ announced spokesperson, Kenneth Wilberforce-Porter. ‘So we have thought of a way to make it more … Continue reading Wimbledon Set to Debut Mixed-Race Doubles

Unknown's avatarQuinn1 Comment
Fake News Desk

James Newman Tipped to Become Labour MP After Failing to Win Over Voters

Following the UK’s annual ritual of Eurovision humiliation, this year’s sacrificial lamb James Newman has decided to join the ranks of The Labour Party. Newman took the decision after receiving zero points in this year’s song contest, telling reporters: ‘Being unpopular isn’t exactly a recipe for success in the music industry, so I decided to go somewhere where a lack of popularity won’t hold me … Continue reading James Newman Tipped to Become Labour MP After Failing to Win Over Voters

Unknown's avatarQuinnLeave a comment