Her Majesty The Queen is understood to be beside herself following the death of her favourite rapper DMX. ‘His music helps me forget how boring my life is,’ Lizzie said in an official statement issued from her royal residence in Windsor. ‘While you peasants carry on living your lives, I’m stuck here, bored senseless, cutting ribbons and smiling at children’s awful paintings. X’s music made … Continue reading Queen Distraught Following Death of DMX
Grand National day is understood to be the biggest day of the year for ketamine dealers, as crippled horses and fuckheads alike consume epic amounts of the banned horse tranquilliser. The desire to capitalise on this lucrative market has led to a vicious turf war unfolding between street dealers and the major pharmaceutical companies, as both fight tooth and nail to pick up business from … Continue reading Ketamine Dealers in Grand National Turf War
President Biden’s canine companion, Major, is in the dog house once again, and this time he appears to have bitten off more than he can chew. A second biting incident in just one month has led to calls from prominent Republican figures asking for the White House’s first ever rescue dog to be removed from office, they claim Major is no longer fulfilling his duty … Continue reading Biden’s Dog Faces Impoochment After Second Biting Incident
Violence broke out last night as a group of anti-mask campaigners led by Piers Corbyn, brother of former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, attempted to shut down a lucha libre wrestling practice in North London. Anti-maskers gathered outside the Fight Factory gym in North London, home to the El Luchos Luchador wrestling team, carrying placards adorned with anti-mask slogans such as ‘no submissions’ and ‘masks = … Continue reading Piers Corbyn, Anti-Maskers Shut Down Lucha Libre Wrestling Meet
Dominion has suffered a major setback in its defamation lawsuit against Sidney Powell with the former Trump lawyer now claiming that the entire ‘Stop the Steal’ campaign was ‘completely ironic’ and ‘just a bit of fun’, leaving Dominion’s $5000 an hour legal team completely devoid of ideas or legal avenues to pursue. Speaking at a press conference outside her offices in Dallas, Powell told reporters: … Continue reading Sidney Powell Claims She Was Joking All Along, Throwing Dominion’s Legal Case Into Turmoil
The BBC has announced that it will be debuting its new flagship show ‘The Union Jack Hour’, next Monday on BBC One. After the UK government accused the Beeb of displaying a flagitious lack of patriotism, the broadcaster has agreed to air one hour of uninterrupted flag action, each and every day, forever and ever, and ever. Having been recently flagged and flagellated by BBC … Continue reading BBC One Set to Debut ‘The Union Jack Hour’
Jamaica has become the latest country to suspend use of the AstraZeneca Covid-19 vaccine, following in the footsteps of France, Italy and the Netherlands, after widespread reports of bludclarts. After a bludclart reportedly left one man fi dead, health officials from the island nation have stated that ‘wi nuh need di bludcart AstraZeneca vaccine fi wi,’ and that they will look to alternative suppliers going … Continue reading Jamaica Suspends Use of AstraZeneca Vaccine After Reports of Bludclarts
The Royal Family have partnered with high-end department store Harvey Nichols to launch their own ‘Royally Acceptable’ foundation range, which helps people achieve what they call ‘a more palatable skin tone.’ Inspired by Grandson Archie’s potentially concerning pigmentation, the Royal Family have released three different shades, White is Right, Hail the Pale and Ku Klux Tan. The latter of which has been particularly well received … Continue reading Royals Launch Foundation Range to Help Peasants Achieve ‘More Palatable’ Skin Tone
According to reports, Boris Johnson is planning to set up a secret charity to help cover the costs of refurbishing his home at No 11 Downing Street, allowing rich Tory benefactors to exchange designer furniture for opportunities to screw over the general public. The name of his new charity has reportedly already been decided. Having batted around names such as Chancer Care UK and Betraying … Continue reading Boris Johnson Launches Secret Charity to Fund ‘World-Beating’ Wallpaper
Following news that Hasbro will be rebranding Mr Potato Head as simply Potato Head in a bid to degender the beloved children’s toy, many right-wing commentators have been left unsurprisingly outraged. The move has left such a sour taste that some Republicans have called for a boycott on all potatoes. ‘What we see here is a typical attempt from a company to force their woke … Continue reading Republicans Boycott Potatoes After Mr Potato Head Announcement
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