The BBC has announced that it will be debuting its new flagship show ‘The Union Jack Hour’, next Monday on BBC One. After the UK government accused the Beeb of displaying a flagitious lack of patriotism, the broadcaster has agreed to air one hour of uninterrupted flag action, each and every day, forever and ever, and ever. Having been recently flagged and flagellated by BBC … Continue reading BBC One Set to Debut ‘The Union Jack Hour’
The Royal Family have partnered with high-end department store Harvey Nichols to launch their own ‘Royally Acceptable’ foundation range, which helps people achieve what they call ‘a more palatable skin tone.’ Inspired by Grandson Archie’s potentially concerning pigmentation, the Royal Family have released three different shades, White is Right, Hail the Pale and Ku Klux Tan. The latter of which has been particularly well received … Continue reading Royals Launch Foundation Range to Help Peasants Achieve ‘More Palatable’ Skin Tone
Following news that Hasbro will be rebranding Mr Potato Head as simply Potato Head in a bid to degender the beloved children’s toy, many right-wing commentators have been left unsurprisingly outraged. The move has left such a sour taste that some Republicans have called for a boycott on all potatoes. ‘What we see here is a typical attempt from a company to force their woke … Continue reading Republicans Boycott Potatoes After Mr Potato Head Announcement
Following a controversial Coca-Cola seminar which urged employees to ‘be less white’, Pepsi, always hot on the heels of their far superior rival, have developed their own internal training program. Theirs asking staff to be less human. ‘We thought if the boys over at Coke can do some woke training, then we should totally try and 7up them,’ said John Richardson, head of the soon … Continue reading Pepsi Launch ‘Be Less Human’ Training Initiative
Criticised for their seeming unwillingness to drop parcels to the correct location, delivery service Hermes has vowed to do better, promising to deliver packages to the wrong address in just half the time. ‘It’s the product of many hours of hard work, logistical planning but mainly lengthy Zoom calls,’ said Simon Jameson, Head of Supply Chain Solutions at Hermes The courier service has made a … Continue reading Hermes Pledge to Deliver to Wrong Address in Just Half the Time
On the back of Trump’s recent impeachment trial, the former President will be moving back to Florida full-time in an effort to drain the swamp there, having failed to do so in D.C. Despite the lack of political clout associated with removing large swathes of wetland, Trump is understood to be angling for some quick wins to rebuild his reputation ahead of a potential 2024 … Continue reading Trump to Drain Florida Swamp, Build Golf Course
The government’s ‘roadmap to freedom’ has provided a provisional date of May 29th for the much-anticipated return of dogging. The voyeuristic pastime is set to make a comeback after months of individuals being forced to have sex in buildings, away from the prying eyes of the law and each other. Despite this, many within the dogging community feel left behind and that dogging is not … Continue reading Dogging Set to Return on 29th of May
Concerns that vaccine passports are part of an ‘Orwellian’ plot to control and subjugate the British population were alleviated last night after MPs confirmed that they will be blue. According to YouGov polling, 52% of the British population now support the plan – representing a clear and overwhelming majority of Britons. Mary from Berwick-upon-Tweed commented that the blue vaccine passports made her feel warm and … Continue reading 52% of Brits Support Vaccine Passports on Condition That They’re Blue
The Home Office announced today that it will be releasing hundreds of killer whales into the English Channel in an effort to curb illegal border crossings. Each one will be equipped with specially designed asylum-seeking missiles, the latest weapon in the war against immigration and a joint venture between the scientists at The Ministry for Defence and SeaWorld Florida. Project FOBH (Fuck Off Back Home) … Continue reading Priti Patel Approves Introduction of Killer Whales Into the English Channel
In an unprecedented move to slow down the spread of the coronavirus, London will become the first area of the country to be placed under Sharia Law. The move was announced earlier this morning with the new rules and corresponding sanctions set to come into place on Sunday. The uncharacteristically quick turnaround has left many confused, with the only guidance offered so far being a … Continue reading London to Be Placed into Tier 5, Sharia Law
Opening Gambit 