Tag: boris johnson

Fake News Desk

Boris Announces New Housing Measures, Homes to Be Measured in Yards Instead of Metres

Boris Johnson announced drastic new housing measures today with homes now set to be measured in yards instead of metres, edging Britain further away from the metric system toward the previously forbidden imperial units. ‘The public demanded new housing measures, and once again, the Conservative party has delivered,’ said Johnson. ‘Now the British public can measure their homes in whichever way they please, and won’t … Continue reading Boris Announces New Housing Measures, Homes to Be Measured in Yards Instead of Metres

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96% of Bots Still Support Boris Johnson, YouGov Poll Finds

In wake of Sue Gray’s report, Boris Johnson is fighting for his political life. However, Friday brought about some much-needed good news for Britain’s embattled Prime Minister. According to a recent YouGov poll, an overwhelming majority of online bots say that they still back Boris. Asked why they’re still supporting the PM, 87% of bots questioned offered the same two verbatim responses, telling YouGov: ‘he’s … Continue reading 96% of Bots Still Support Boris Johnson, YouGov Poll Finds

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Fake News Desk

Sue Gray to Investigate Illegal Parties in Six-Part Documentary Series for Vice

Senior civil servant Sue Gray has signed a deal with Vice to host a new documentary series investigating illegal parties across the globe. The Second Permanent Secretary has gained notoriety in recent weeks, having been tasked with investigating the 562 different parties which took place at 10 Downing Street during lockdown, and is now looking to cash in on her newfound fame. The show, Sue Gray’s … Continue reading Sue Gray to Investigate Illegal Parties in Six-Part Documentary Series for Vice

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Fake News Desk, Video

Tories Sell Food Items as NFTS in Bid to Tackle Supply Line Shortages

Festive food shortages threatening to spoil Christmas? Petrol problems got you in a panic? Don’t worry, Britain, we’ve got you. While the HGV drivers won’t be showing up anytime soon, you can now buy all of the items you’re missing this Christmas as NFTs. Introducing the NFT (Nation-Fucking Tories) NFT collection. Your plate may be empty this Christmas but thanks to the Conservative Party, your … Continue reading Tories Sell Food Items as NFTS in Bid to Tackle Supply Line Shortages

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Fake News Desk

Middle-Class Drug Users Face Waitrose Ban Following Johnson Crackdown

The government has ramped up its efforts to dissuade the middle classes from taking Class A drugs such as cocaine by threatening a range of fresh measures which include lifetime bans from Waitrose and a block on all skiing holidays. Banning people from the boarding school alumni’s supermarket of choice is just the latest in a long list of proposed deterrents for middle-class drug users. … Continue reading Middle-Class Drug Users Face Waitrose Ban Following Johnson Crackdown

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Fake News Desk

Boris Johnson to Continue Role as Full-Time Wanker Despite Second Jobs Vote

Prime Minister Boris Johnson is set to continue in his secondary role as a full-time wanker after MPs voted on a ‘watered down’ plan to curb extra work. After instructing his fellow wankers to vote against the original motion tabled by the Labour Party, Johnson then put forward an amended version which passed by 297 votes to zero – one which would allow him to … Continue reading Boris Johnson to Continue Role as Full-Time Wanker Despite Second Jobs Vote

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Fake News Desk, Video

BBC One Set to Debut ‘The Union Jack Hour’

The BBC has announced that it will be debuting its new flagship show ‘The Union Jack Hour’, next Monday on BBC One. After the UK government accused the Beeb of displaying a flagitious lack of patriotism, the broadcaster has agreed to air one hour of uninterrupted flag action, each and every day, forever and ever, and ever. Having been recently flagged and flagellated by BBC … Continue reading BBC One Set to Debut ‘The Union Jack Hour’

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Fake News Desk

Boris Johnson Launches Secret Charity to Fund ‘World-Beating’ Wallpaper

According to reports, Boris Johnson is planning to set up a secret charity to help cover the costs of refurbishing his home at No 11 Downing Street, allowing rich Tory benefactors to exchange designer furniture for opportunities to screw over the general public. The name of his new charity has reportedly already been decided. Having batted around names such as Chancer Care UK and Betraying … Continue reading Boris Johnson Launches Secret Charity to Fund ‘World-Beating’ Wallpaper

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Fake News Desk

Dogging Set to Return on 29th of May

The government’s ‘roadmap to freedom’ has provided a provisional date of May 29th for the much-anticipated return of dogging. The voyeuristic pastime is set to make a comeback after months of individuals being forced to have sex in buildings, away from the prying eyes of the law and each other. Despite this, many within the dogging community feel left behind and that dogging is not … Continue reading Dogging Set to Return on 29th of May

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Fake News Desk

52% of Brits Support Vaccine Passports on Condition That They’re Blue

Concerns that vaccine passports are part of an ‘Orwellian’ plot to control and subjugate the British population were alleviated last night after MPs confirmed that they will be blue.  According to YouGov polling, 52% of the British population now support the plan – representing a clear and overwhelming majority of Britons. Mary from Berwick-upon-Tweed commented that the blue vaccine passports made her feel warm and … Continue reading 52% of Brits Support Vaccine Passports on Condition That They’re Blue

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