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Fake News Desk

Republicans Boycott Potatoes After Mr Potato Head Announcement

Following news that Hasbro will be rebranding Mr Potato Head as simply Potato Head in a bid to degender the beloved children’s toy, many right-wing commentators have been left unsurprisingly outraged. The move has left such a sour taste that some Republicans have called for a boycott on all potatoes. ‘What we see here is a typical attempt from a company to force their woke … Continue reading Republicans Boycott Potatoes After Mr Potato Head Announcement

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Fake News Desk

Hermes Pledge to Deliver to Wrong Address in Just Half the Time

Criticised for their seeming unwillingness to drop parcels to the correct location, delivery service Hermes has vowed to do better, promising to deliver packages to the wrong address in just half the time. ‘It’s the product of many hours of hard work, logistical planning but mainly lengthy Zoom calls,’ said Simon Jameson, Head of Supply Chain Solutions at Hermes The courier service has made a … Continue reading Hermes Pledge to Deliver to Wrong Address in Just Half the Time

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Fake News Desk

Dogging Set to Return on 29th of May

The government’s ‘roadmap to freedom’ has provided a provisional date of May 29th for the much-anticipated return of dogging. The voyeuristic pastime is set to make a comeback after months of individuals being forced to have sex in buildings, away from the prying eyes of the law and each other. Despite this, many within the dogging community feel left behind and that dogging is not … Continue reading Dogging Set to Return on 29th of May

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Fake News Desk

Deliveroo Now World’s Biggest Biker Gang

A new report from the UK Counter Terrorism Office has revealed Deliveroo to be the world’s biggest biker gang, with over 15,000 riders now operating in Britain alone. The London-based group overtakes the likes of the Hells Angels, the Bandidos and the Mongol Brotherhood. Identifiable by their turquoise cuts, Deliveroo are currently embroiled in a heated turf war with rivals Uber Eats and the Crip-affiliated … Continue reading Deliveroo Now World’s Biggest Biker Gang

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Fake News Desk

52% of Brits Support Vaccine Passports on Condition That They’re Blue

Concerns that vaccine passports are part of an ‘Orwellian’ plot to control and subjugate the British population were alleviated last night after MPs confirmed that they will be blue.  According to YouGov polling, 52% of the British population now support the plan – representing a clear and overwhelming majority of Britons. Mary from Berwick-upon-Tweed commented that the blue vaccine passports made her feel warm and … Continue reading 52% of Brits Support Vaccine Passports on Condition That They’re Blue

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Fake News Desk

Dominion Voting Systems Flipped Eurovision Results

Following accusations of widespread fraud in last November’s US elections, shocking new evidence has come to light regarding Dominion Voting Machines and their handling of the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest. Eurovision’s parent company, The European Broadcasting Company, awarded a 5-year contract to Dominion Voting Systems back in 2013, tasking them with tallying votes for the annual multi-nation spectacular. However, just 1 year into their 5-year … Continue reading Dominion Voting Systems Flipped Eurovision Results

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Fake News Desk

Priti Patel Approves Introduction of Killer Whales Into the English Channel

The Home Office announced today that it will be releasing hundreds of killer whales into the English Channel in an effort to curb illegal border crossings. Each one will be equipped with specially designed asylum-seeking missiles, the latest weapon in the war against immigration and a joint venture between the scientists at The Ministry for Defence and SeaWorld Florida. Project FOBH (Fuck Off Back Home) … Continue reading Priti Patel Approves Introduction of Killer Whales Into the English Channel

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Fake News Desk

Price of M&S Chocolate Coins Skyrockets After Elon Musk Tweet

The price of Marks & Spencer’s milk chocolate coins has skyrocketed following a tweet from Elon Musk, in which the Tesla and SpaceX CEO labelled them as ‘legit’. What followed was a tidal wave of online activity, with 1000s of Twitter users replying to Musk’s tweet with the phrase: ‘M&S to the moon 🚀’ Hot on the heels of all-time highs for Bitcoin and Ethereum, … Continue reading Price of M&S Chocolate Coins Skyrockets After Elon Musk Tweet

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Fake News Desk

London to Be Placed into Tier 5, Sharia Law

In an unprecedented move to slow down the spread of the coronavirus, London will become the first area of the country to be placed under Sharia Law. The move was announced earlier this morning with the new rules and corresponding sanctions set to come into place on Sunday. The uncharacteristically quick turnaround has left many confused, with the only guidance offered so far being a … Continue reading London to Be Placed into Tier 5, Sharia Law

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Fake News Desk

Matt Hancock’s Family Dog Awarded £16m Covid Contract

In what’s only the latest case of recent Conservative nepotism, leaked documents have revealed that Matt Hancock’s family dog, Archie, was awarded a £16m contract for services linked to the government’s failed track and trace programme. The documents dating back to last August show the Health Secretary’s beloved Labrador receiving £6.3m for tracking consultancy, £5.9m for tracing consultancy, and a further £3.8m in fees for … Continue reading Matt Hancock’s Family Dog Awarded £16m Covid Contract

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