Boris Johnson Launches Secret Charity to Fund ‘World-Beating’ Wallpaper
According to reports, Boris Johnson is planning to set up a secret charity to help cover the costs of refurbishing his home at No 11 Downing Street, allowing rich Tory benefactors to exchange designer furniture for opportunities to screw over the general public. The name of his new charity has reportedly already been decided. Having batted around names such as Chancer Care UK and Betraying … Continue reading Boris Johnson Launches Secret Charity to Fund ‘World-Beating’ Wallpaper
Republicans Boycott Potatoes After Mr Potato Head Announcement
Following news that Hasbro will be rebranding Mr Potato Head as simply Potato Head in a bid to degender the beloved children’s toy, many right-wing commentators have been left unsurprisingly outraged. The move has left such a sour taste that some Republicans have called for a boycott on all potatoes. ‘What we see here is a typical attempt from a company to force their woke … Continue reading Republicans Boycott Potatoes After Mr Potato Head Announcement
Pepsi Launch ‘Be Less Human’ Training Initiative
Following a controversial Coca-Cola seminar which urged employees to ‘be less white’, Pepsi, always hot on the heels of their far superior rival, have developed their own internal training program. Theirs asking staff to be less human. ‘We thought if the boys over at Coke can do some woke training, then we should totally try and 7up them,’ said John Richardson, head of the soon … Continue reading Pepsi Launch ‘Be Less Human’ Training Initiative
Hermes Pledge to Deliver to Wrong Address in Just Half the Time
Criticised for their seeming unwillingness to drop parcels to the correct location, delivery service Hermes has vowed to do better, promising to deliver packages to the wrong address in just half the time. ‘It’s the product of many hours of hard work, logistical planning but mainly lengthy Zoom calls,’ said Simon Jameson, Head of Supply Chain Solutions at Hermes The courier service has made a … Continue reading Hermes Pledge to Deliver to Wrong Address in Just Half the Time
Trump to Drain Florida Swamp, Build Golf Course
On the back of Trump’s recent impeachment trial, the former President will be moving back to Florida full-time in an effort to drain the swamp there, having failed to do so in D.C. Despite the lack of political clout associated with removing large swathes of wetland, Trump is understood to be angling for some quick wins to rebuild his reputation ahead of a potential 2024 … Continue reading Trump to Drain Florida Swamp, Build Golf Course
Dogging Set to Return on 29th of May
The government’s ‘roadmap to freedom’ has provided a provisional date of May 29th for the much-anticipated return of dogging. The voyeuristic pastime is set to make a comeback after months of individuals being forced to have sex in buildings, away from the prying eyes of the law and each other. Despite this, many within the dogging community feel left behind and that dogging is not … Continue reading Dogging Set to Return on 29th of May
Deliveroo Now World’s Biggest Biker Gang
A new report from the UK Counter Terrorism Office has revealed Deliveroo to be the world’s biggest biker gang, with over 15,000 riders now operating in Britain alone. The London-based group overtakes the likes of the Hells Angels, the Bandidos and the Mongol Brotherhood. Identifiable by their turquoise cuts, Deliveroo are currently embroiled in a heated turf war with rivals Uber Eats and the Crip-affiliated … Continue reading Deliveroo Now World’s Biggest Biker Gang
52% of Brits Support Vaccine Passports on Condition That They’re Blue
Concerns that vaccine passports are part of an ‘Orwellian’ plot to control and subjugate the British population were alleviated last night after MPs confirmed that they will be blue. According to YouGov polling, 52% of the British population now support the plan – representing a clear and overwhelming majority of Britons. Mary from Berwick-upon-Tweed commented that the blue vaccine passports made her feel warm and … Continue reading 52% of Brits Support Vaccine Passports on Condition That They’re Blue
Dominion Voting Systems Flipped Eurovision Results
Following accusations of widespread fraud in last November’s US elections, shocking new evidence has come to light regarding Dominion Voting Machines and their handling of the 2014 Eurovision Song Contest. Eurovision’s parent company, The European Broadcasting Company, awarded a 5-year contract to Dominion Voting Systems back in 2013, tasking them with tallying votes for the annual multi-nation spectacular. However, just 1 year into their 5-year … Continue reading Dominion Voting Systems Flipped Eurovision Results
Priti Patel Approves Introduction of Killer Whales Into the English Channel
The Home Office announced today that it will be releasing hundreds of killer whales into the English Channel in an effort to curb illegal border crossings. Each one will be equipped with specially designed asylum-seeking missiles, the latest weapon in the war against immigration and a joint venture between the scientists at The Ministry for Defence and SeaWorld Florida. Project FOBH (Fuck Off Back Home) … Continue reading Priti Patel Approves Introduction of Killer Whales Into the English Channel
Opening Gambit 